After years of ridicule by jocks, hipsters are beginning to embrace sports. It’s now common to see a hat showing support for a crappy baseball team above those Buddy Holly glasses. If you don’t live in a city with a shitty team like the Cubs or Mets don’t feel left out, your city probably has an underdog team to support. This is your chance to learn about the local team.
Find your local team. I’ll give you some time… Find it? Good. Learn the roster. The team that you just chose is now your favorite band. “I liked them when they sucked,” is your new “I liked them before they were popular” (this doesn’t work if you pick the Lakers. The Lakers are always good which makes them not cool. If you live in LA try picking another team from that city. If you’re having trouble pick the Clippers, they’re never good.)
Congratulations! You picked an athletic club to support. If you chose the regional sports team, that was a great move. The next step is to invite your friends over to watch the big game. This is your chance to show that you’re a renaissance man. The none stop talking about artists that you conduct regularly can take a back seat to the game you know so much about. Use this opportunity to show off any art prints you have. Talk about your belongings until the big game starts.
Kick off time. Those refs sure are dumb. They might get paid to read the rulebook, but your friend that is yelling at the TV knows more than them. Agree with him. If you start to get the hang of it yell at the TV before he does. You’ll seem more knowledgeable even if the words you yell aren’t real.
“YOSH CALL BACT AT BASHLASCHACK,” counts as a sentence at a sports bar, so long as everyone around you is cheering for the same team.
So pick a sports team, drink heavily when they play, (you’re going to be drinking when they play anyway,) and enjoy the ride. The worst that will happen is your team will lose, which just means drinking heavily. But if your team wins you’ll be full of joy and alcohol.
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