Remember how you hated playing soccer as a kid? Basketball was the sport you had to play when you quit soccer. Playing basketball has a lot of advantages over other sports for someone of that age, and your age. Games like HORSE make basketball a sport that anyone can win with a lucky shot. Behind the back and bounce shots level the playing field.
Basketball isn’t all bad. Portland has a team. Plus there are tons of children’s basketball movies that can yield a huge laugh from the smallest of mentions. Everyone worth talking to has seen the movie Space Jam. If you can manage to say the words “space,” and, “jam,” in the correct order to a twenty something you have mastered conversations. If you run with a younger crowd replace Space Jam with Air Bud.
The greatest thing about basketball is turning nouns into verbs. You didn’t “shoot” that piece of garbage into the trashcan, you “Kobe-d” it. Didn’t make it into the trashcan? No problem! You “Shaqed” it. Saying the name of a basketball player while doing anything adds value to the activity. Duck under something and say “Muggsy Bogues!” Break up with a significant other in front of a large group by saying “Lebron!”
As far as actually following the sport goes, it’s one of the easiest to follow. No matter how bad the team you’ve chosen to follow is doing during the regular season just point out how god damn long the season is. Over half the teams in the NBA make it to the play-offs. If you’re feeling flustered about all these games it’s okay. You don’t have to watch the entire thing. Every single basketball game comes down to the last minute. That means that in an NBA game the first 47 minutes are worthless. However, you should know that the last minute of play will take 30 minutes.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Hockey: I heard they have fights or something
Hockey is the least popular of the four major sports in the United States. This makes it the most lucrative sport for the average hipster to invest their time in, especially in the southern region. Following hockey won’t make you stand out in places like upstate New York or Minnesota, but the rest of the country will ask how many casualties were involved when you mention the Avalanche. Correct them with pride and your nose up. “The Avalanche are a hockey team.”
Congratulations on picking hockey as your sport to follow. Knowledge of hockey will help you exceed in sports categories on Jeopardy. Alex Trebek is not just a man of the world, he’s also Canadian, making hockey a popular topic for sports questions. Just remember “Wayne Gretzky” and “the Stanley Cup” and you’re good to go.
If you live in the US, your choice of sport will be ridiculed as much as your choice of clothing. Hockey is as popular as tight pants in a Miller Lite commercial. The people that make fun of hockey have just as bad of taste as the people that drink Miller Lite. Enjoy your pinot noir or micro brew while watching the game. For the full Canadian experience grab a 12 pack of Moosehead. It’s the Canadian PBR.
The obscurity of hockey makes it that much more fun when it gets mentioned on ESPN. It’s like hearing Ted Leo on an episode of How I Met Your Mother, no one notices it but you. Like indie tunes, it can even be found at the right dive bar. For those not in the know here’s an easy way to tell the right type of dive bar from the wrong type.
Right type of dive bar:
• Fixed gear bikes locked up outside
• Huge list of micro and import beers
• Hockey on the TV
Wrong type of dive bar:
• Motorcycles outside
• Country-rock (popular country-rock) playing on the jukebox
• Possibility of being jumped for wearing a scarf
Congratulations on picking hockey as your sport to follow. Knowledge of hockey will help you exceed in sports categories on Jeopardy. Alex Trebek is not just a man of the world, he’s also Canadian, making hockey a popular topic for sports questions. Just remember “Wayne Gretzky” and “the Stanley Cup” and you’re good to go.
If you live in the US, your choice of sport will be ridiculed as much as your choice of clothing. Hockey is as popular as tight pants in a Miller Lite commercial. The people that make fun of hockey have just as bad of taste as the people that drink Miller Lite. Enjoy your pinot noir or micro brew while watching the game. For the full Canadian experience grab a 12 pack of Moosehead. It’s the Canadian PBR.
The obscurity of hockey makes it that much more fun when it gets mentioned on ESPN. It’s like hearing Ted Leo on an episode of How I Met Your Mother, no one notices it but you. Like indie tunes, it can even be found at the right dive bar. For those not in the know here’s an easy way to tell the right type of dive bar from the wrong type.
Right type of dive bar:
• Fixed gear bikes locked up outside
• Huge list of micro and import beers
• Hockey on the TV
Wrong type of dive bar:
• Motorcycles outside
• Country-rock (popular country-rock) playing on the jukebox
• Possibility of being jumped for wearing a scarf
Friday, January 21, 2011
(American) Football
Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t required to be overweight and goateed to be a fan of football. In fact, the rise of fantasy football has attracted quite a few nerds to the sport. Even though Sundays at a sports bar are full of the typical chicken wing sauce covered stereotype, nerds will follow the game. Some of them now even have jobs within the sports media studying numbers. They’re once again doing the jock’s homework. Sit in on an engineering lecture and look for the guy in the oversized football jersey. Now those fantasy football junkies may not be the same people embracing nerd chic but it’s a start. Now that you’re ready to break the mold of the football fan, lets start watching.
The second thing you’ll notice about football (after the trendy tight pants) is that there is a stoppage after every play. Critics of the game will say this makes the game too boring. Not the enlightened hipster, though. The breaks between plays make it a chess match. Always compare sports to chess. It’s the quickest way to prove your intellect to the person you’re talking to.
Another way to prove that your IQ is smarter than someone with ten concussions is to make fun of the announcers. Most football games have a play-by-play announcer and a color commentator. The play-by-play announcer is capable of saying what he sees while it happens and the color commentator is usually a football player with the minimal ability of speech. There are two ways to go about making fun of commentators. Malicious comments about the garbage spewing into your ears, or fat jokes since they always seem to keep the same diet after the two a days end. The other option is to feign compassion for all the head injuries. Comments like, “it’s nice to see_____ still alive,” or “at least he’s doing better than most former boxers,” are all you need. One thing to be aware of is that the closest thing the NFL has come to having an intelligent commentator was Dennis Miller. Luckily he left to go back to Fox News with the rest of the brains of the country.
Football knowledge can even help you out with your overly PC friend. Next time ze (none-gender specific, super PC) is talking trash about Teddy Roosevelt, PC friends love to do this, mention that he saved countless lives by encouraging football to adopt the forward pass.
All that’s left to do now is refer to the sport as “American football.” This will eliminate any confusion when talking to your friends that call soccer football.
The second thing you’ll notice about football (after the trendy tight pants) is that there is a stoppage after every play. Critics of the game will say this makes the game too boring. Not the enlightened hipster, though. The breaks between plays make it a chess match. Always compare sports to chess. It’s the quickest way to prove your intellect to the person you’re talking to.
Another way to prove that your IQ is smarter than someone with ten concussions is to make fun of the announcers. Most football games have a play-by-play announcer and a color commentator. The play-by-play announcer is capable of saying what he sees while it happens and the color commentator is usually a football player with the minimal ability of speech. There are two ways to go about making fun of commentators. Malicious comments about the garbage spewing into your ears, or fat jokes since they always seem to keep the same diet after the two a days end. The other option is to feign compassion for all the head injuries. Comments like, “it’s nice to see_____ still alive,” or “at least he’s doing better than most former boxers,” are all you need. One thing to be aware of is that the closest thing the NFL has come to having an intelligent commentator was Dennis Miller. Luckily he left to go back to Fox News with the rest of the brains of the country.
Football knowledge can even help you out with your overly PC friend. Next time ze (none-gender specific, super PC) is talking trash about Teddy Roosevelt, PC friends love to do this, mention that he saved countless lives by encouraging football to adopt the forward pass.
All that’s left to do now is refer to the sport as “American football.” This will eliminate any confusion when talking to your friends that call soccer football.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
So, you've decided to follow sports...
After years of ridicule by jocks, hipsters are beginning to embrace sports. It’s now common to see a hat showing support for a crappy baseball team above those Buddy Holly glasses. If you don’t live in a city with a shitty team like the Cubs or Mets don’t feel left out, your city probably has an underdog team to support. This is your chance to learn about the local team.
Find your local team. I’ll give you some time… Find it? Good. Learn the roster. The team that you just chose is now your favorite band. “I liked them when they sucked,” is your new “I liked them before they were popular” (this doesn’t work if you pick the Lakers. The Lakers are always good which makes them not cool. If you live in LA try picking another team from that city. If you’re having trouble pick the Clippers, they’re never good.)
Congratulations! You picked an athletic club to support. If you chose the regional sports team, that was a great move. The next step is to invite your friends over to watch the big game. This is your chance to show that you’re a renaissance man. The none stop talking about artists that you conduct regularly can take a back seat to the game you know so much about. Use this opportunity to show off any art prints you have. Talk about your belongings until the big game starts.
Kick off time. Those refs sure are dumb. They might get paid to read the rulebook, but your friend that is yelling at the TV knows more than them. Agree with him. If you start to get the hang of it yell at the TV before he does. You’ll seem more knowledgeable even if the words you yell aren’t real.
“YOSH CALL BACT AT BASHLASCHACK,” counts as a sentence at a sports bar, so long as everyone around you is cheering for the same team.
So pick a sports team, drink heavily when they play, (you’re going to be drinking when they play anyway,) and enjoy the ride. The worst that will happen is your team will lose, which just means drinking heavily. But if your team wins you’ll be full of joy and alcohol.
Find your local team. I’ll give you some time… Find it? Good. Learn the roster. The team that you just chose is now your favorite band. “I liked them when they sucked,” is your new “I liked them before they were popular” (this doesn’t work if you pick the Lakers. The Lakers are always good which makes them not cool. If you live in LA try picking another team from that city. If you’re having trouble pick the Clippers, they’re never good.)
Congratulations! You picked an athletic club to support. If you chose the regional sports team, that was a great move. The next step is to invite your friends over to watch the big game. This is your chance to show that you’re a renaissance man. The none stop talking about artists that you conduct regularly can take a back seat to the game you know so much about. Use this opportunity to show off any art prints you have. Talk about your belongings until the big game starts.
Kick off time. Those refs sure are dumb. They might get paid to read the rulebook, but your friend that is yelling at the TV knows more than them. Agree with him. If you start to get the hang of it yell at the TV before he does. You’ll seem more knowledgeable even if the words you yell aren’t real.
“YOSH CALL BACT AT BASHLASCHACK,” counts as a sentence at a sports bar, so long as everyone around you is cheering for the same team.
So pick a sports team, drink heavily when they play, (you’re going to be drinking when they play anyway,) and enjoy the ride. The worst that will happen is your team will lose, which just means drinking heavily. But if your team wins you’ll be full of joy and alcohol.
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